It's been a while since I've posted here... mostly because I've been seriously slacking in my maintenance again. However, the past two days I have been doing pretty good at eating better. I actually WANTED to eat salad. So I bought a bag ('cause if I buy a head of lettuce most of it end up in the trash) and ate it for two days. It was actually satisfying. How strange.

Today, I'm eating a cucumber. I was really happy because I've tried eating them in the past few months but I kept picking the ones that tasted all acidic. You don't know until you've peeled them if they are that way. Okay, well... I don't. 

Also, I tried blood oranges today. I've always been meaning to try them but oranges are not in my favorite fruits list. I'll eat them once in a while but then I'm good for like, a year. Clementines are an exception. When they are firm and in season, I will eat 4-5 of those a day.  Anyway, picked a few up at the store and gave one a lick when I got home. My tongue said "raspberry lemonade" and I was happy. They are amazing. I am glad I got two. Seriously... lemonade. Doesn't taste like an orange to me. I'm thinking they've been bumped to #3 favorite fruits after Lychee and Gala Apple.

I've also resumed taking my vitamins every to every other morning. I'm feeling pretty good these days, 'cept for the pain in my ankle. Got a brace for that which makes all the pain go away until I take it off at night. SO nice.

Let's see... Oh. Officially off the 'rents insurance now.  A little worried about how that will change being able to pay for supplies.

Made it to my 25th year! Yay!

Read this article in the paper the other day. I knew there was a reason I drank coffee. Okay, I know it says Type II in the article but I like having an excuse to drink what I'm already drinking. haha.In fact, this article give me an excuse to drink coffee/tea even more. haha. I also read this one from the USA today. Now, I have mis-remembered for YEARS now that this guy (Lance Armstrong) was on a poster in my doctor's office for overcoming diabetes, but then I remembered that THAT guy was a swimmer. Turns out I was thinking of Gary Hall Jr. *shakes head* Anyway, Lance has some new thing up on his website that counts your carbohydrates for you. I'm totally going to give this article to my dad. I know it's awful of me, but I get happy whenever I hear about my dad having diabetes because he was such a dick to me about it all the time. "You don't feel that way because other people have overcome it." "I have no part in your diabetic life but I know what's best!" "You should count calories instead of carbohydrates even if your doctor says to count carbohydrates. All you have to do is six sets of math to convert and then you are all set. It's more difficult but its the way I use so you should too." "I don't care if you don't like it! Use this arm blood tester! I bought it even though you told me not to." Those kinds of situations (and many others) have made it so I just can't feel BAD that my dad has Type II now.  I want to tease him. I want be like "I told you so! It's harder than you think!" And he is struggling. While I can't really talk about taking good care of myself, niether can he, now. His hypocrisy is showing. He thinks that if he takes the pills and ONLY the pills that he'll be fine. He isn't dieting. He isn't making an effort to exercise more or lose weight. He thinks if he takes those pills he can go right on eating what he eats and drinking sugar pop. Once, when I was doing homework at the house, a doctor's office called and left a message on the machine. They called to say that he could be in better control if he went on a diet and did all those things he's supposed to be doing but isn't. Mom and I had a good laugh about that. We both know damn well he isn't going to do that. So I can't really listen to my dad when he starts talking about how I'm not taking care of myself... because niether is he. And I feel some strange sort of satisfaction from that... It bugs me that he didn't want me to tell people he has Type II... As if it were a bad dirty thing to have. Does he think I didn't have those same feelings? You have a disease. It makes you feel like you aren't a whole person. I learned a long time ago that MOST people aren't going to hold that against you. I did go through a spell when I got diabetes in third grade where the students shunned me a bit... but whatever. I'm more like an adult now. I understand why that happened. And I feel bad for mom. She has to deal with her two closest family memebers, her daughter and her husband, BOTH having diabetes and niether of us wanting to take care of ourselves. Poor thing. Ah well, I gotta go to a meeting here in a few minutes so I'll be off.

Been slacking on this journal...

I'm not wanting to probe into my "for later" subjects yet. I don't know what else to write.

I met a friend of Sarah's the other day who has Type II. I was really sad/jealous when he was telling me how he used to have the pump but now he only has to use pills. I wish I had that option.

Started getting headaches every morning when I was doing insulin for breakfast so I stopped over the weekend. Felt better the past two days and I started again today... yep.

Uhm... I guess that's all for now.

Today:
Mood: Tired. Blah. Eyes are Sore.
9:40AM Breakfast Bolus - 3.0 units of insulin
Basal Rate - 1.3 units per hour

I'm having a good day. I think the fact that Thanksgiving is coming up and I will have a sort of a break is lifting my spirits quite a bit. Now I just have to figure out something to do with that time.

I just want to make a quick observation which I think I'm going to monitor more closely in the next month. An experiment, if you will. I've noticed that after a few days when I don't do my insulin, my mood overall is happier, I have more energy and I can think more clearly. In the past two weeks or so that I have been doing more insulin, it has really easy to become sad, discouraged, tired and it was hard to focus. I'm not sure if this is just because of my stress level or actually because of the changes in my insulin. I intend to find out.

For the next two weeks I think I am going to record the differences in my mood and how much insulin I've done that day. Not sure how successful I will be at keeping up with this since I really am busy with a bunch of other things too. We'll see.

Today:
Mood: Cheerful
8:51AM Breakfast Bolus - 3.0 units of insulin
Basal Rate - 1.3 units per hour


For the record, the title means "I struggle but I'll survive" and is also Latin. I think this might be my new motto. "Latro! fremo!" apparently means "Woof Woof! GRR!" lol. I also like "Lusus naturae" which means "A freak of nature."

I think it's time I talked about one of the better memories I have of being diabetic. One thing I looked forward to every year was Camp Midicha. That stands for MIchigan DIabetes CHildren's Association. I can't remember exactly how many year I went... but it was a long time. I had at least three years of the regular camp and 5 years on the canoe trip.

The one week long camp was held at Lake Charlevoix at a YMCA camp...though I think they've moved it a couple times now. Every year we would drive up, wait in line to get my food program wrist band, take a swim test and then go to my cabin. My parents would leave and for the next week I felt like a normal kid. Every kid there had diabetes. We all had to stop playing at the same time to check blood sugar and do shots so it didn't feel like we were missing anything. Some of the things i remember about camp:

The first day the camp counselors played this game. It was great if you had never played before or if there were a lot of new people to the camp. The counselor passed around a roll of toilet paper. They said, "Take some toilet paper. This is all you're going to be able to use all week so make sure you take enough." The newbies, of course, took a ton. The game was this: for every square of TP you took, you have to tell the group something about yourself. I totally fell for the first time. i had like... 20 squares. It was fun though. The next year I only took 3 and got a lot of really weird looks from the new kids. haha.

Another thing I liked, was the camp songs. From day one you learned fun songs at the campfire meeting in the evening. When you leave at the end of the week they give you the lyrics printed out on some paper. I still sing a lot of the good ones.

"Great big globs of greasy grimy gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, little bloody birdy feet. French fried eyeballs on a swirly toilet seat and I forgot my SPOOOooooOOOn!"
(another version of goober guts - here)

"3 sharp toothed buzzards, 3 sharp toothed buzzards, 3 sharp toothed buzzard, sitting in a DEAD TREE! OH NO. One has FLOWN away. What A shame. Two sharped buzzards...."

And of course we sang "Blowin' in the Wind"

There were tons more but those are my favorites. The last day there was a talent show too. A lot of cabin's ended up singing this kinds of songs. OH EM GEE. One year a cabin sang this -

To the tune of 'Do re me'
"Dose, of insulin for me
Ray, a guy I'd like to meeet.
Me, a name I call myself
Fa, a long long way to run!
So, I think I need a Juice."

...(I don't remember what La was)....

"Would you like to have some Tea?
And that brings us back to Dose dose, dose dose..."

I tell you one thing I didn't like was having to participate in was the dance. I hated dancing. I got asked to dance a lot and that made me really nervous. Remember, this is before I discovered booty shaking and I was still really, really, really shy. I remember one year they had the dance on the tennis court so that some of us could play on the playground outside instead. That year I was playing with this one guy who I had a bit of a crush on and got along with really well. We were playing tag. At some point he picked up a wooden bat and I picked up a steel one and we were trying to tag each other with those. So... I was it and I sort of.... hit him in the back of the knee with my bat. (hahaha =.=;;) I got in trouble of course. They made me sit on the floor where the dance was going on. A lot of guys came to ask me to dance and I was happy to report that I couldn't 'cause I was in trouble. When they asked me why, I told them. They thought I was badass. haha. Every so often a counselor would come by and shoo away the couple of guys talking to me. I thought it was hilarious. I found excuses not to dance for all the other dances. I was glad to be rid of those.

Regular camp was fun because we would do things like go horseback riding (oh I have a story! but hold on!), all camp capture the flag, and games games games galore. However, it just didn't compare to the canoe trip. Before I talk about that, I need to talk about the horse incident. The first year they had the horseback riding option, my cabin was the one selected for the first rides. I was really excited. We all went to the farm, sat through a safety thing (which I only half listened to because I had been taking horseback riding lessons anyway), got on our horses and waited. While waiting for all the adjustments to be made to stirrups and bridles and such, something hit or stung or spooked my horse. And away we went. Toward a tree. Toward a low hanging branch.. and by low I mean, horsey go under but Chelsea go boom.. Now see, this is why I'm glad I was taking lessons at the time. I was A. able to stay on the galloping horse and B. able to pull on the reins to stop the horse before running into said low hanging branch... at least after that inital freaking out stage. I had to calm down a bit. I mean I was probably 10 years old and almost got really hurt so I cried. After I stopped, they put me on a different horse and we went on our ride. haha.

Now, the canoe trip. This was also one week long but WAY more fun, for me. Obviously, there were a lot less games and organized activities and a LOT more rowing. This was were I discovered my love of kayaking. I kind of wish i had a kayak. Though the upkeep and transport would be bit of a pain (versus renting). Oh lookit me I can finally say, "But I digress." haha. We slept in tents instead of cabins which was great except for that ONE time when there was a tornado and we had to sleep in the campground bathrooms. I have very little bad to say about these trips. It was relaxing and fun and we had more freedom than we did at regular camp.

The one person I remember best from camp was Jason. He was a short guy with long, curly blonde hair... It sound kind of creepy but when he fell asleep next to/on me while we were driving in the van, I couldn't help but play with his hair. Anyway, despite his angelic appearance he was a bad boy. He wasn't 18 yet but his parents let him have tattoos. He was on the canoe trips as long as I was so i got to see the progression. The first one I saw was a bear claw on his chest. (no, not a doughnut. lol) He had some indian feathers and stuff like that later on. Jason and I were always hanging out on these trips... I had a crush on him but it wasn't like that really. We were buds. I was a girl who liked to wrestle around and be rough. That's how the guys treated me. I wasn't like the most of the other girls on the trip who sat out getting tans and doing their nails/hair. I rough housed with the guys and climbed trees and wanted to be the only in the back of the canoe doing all the hard work. And that's what was so great about the canoe trip. I could go DO all of that. One thing I hated though, was peeing in the woods. I refuse to do that if I have other options. I admit to peeing in the river though. lol. I'd rather pee in the river than in woods.

As you can imagine, we had to carry a LOT of stuff with us on these trips. It was waaaay too easy to have a low on the river. Some combination of the work and the sun... anyway, I was on the pump by that time, so it was easier to handle my shots, but the amount of stuff i had to carry was heavier/more. *shrug* I don't know why that's important. lol.

I wonder... how much training do those counselors have to go through to be able to take care of a bunch of diabetic kids in a bunch of canoes/kayaks.

haha. i guess I wrote enough. i have a lot of stories still but I am kind of rambling into them. Maybe later.

I feel like a lot of my posts here have been really negative - annoyed, depressing, pissy . I hope you understand that this is because that's how I FEEL about being diabetic.

I'm really worn out today and when I feel like this I get sad really easily. I thought today was a good day to address one of my sadder topics.

Part of my hatred of this disease comes from what I consider the dents in my otherwise shiny personality.

For the most part, I am happy being out of control… however, I also harbor many feelings of failure. I’ve found this to be true in other aspects of my life. My personality is such that I seek out the simple path. I’m not much of a fighter. And I feel guilty because I’m not trying as hard as I should be. I like to cut out the things in my life that are difficult, and I think I’ve had a better life for it so far, but I KNOW that I can’t cut out everything. I can’t cut out my grad school just because I’m stressed out. I can’t cut out doing insulin just because I hate to stab myself. (For the record, I say I have to stab myself whenever I have to reinfuse.) And yet here I am trying to cut them out. Things that would make my life more typical… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Sometimes, I have no motivation to stick it out. When I do, it’s because I’m just plain STUBBORN.

And here’s the thing, I can work hard and do a good job. I just have to have a reason that I find value in. I consider myself a bit cold because there is a lot about life I don’t care about. I can’t make myself care. Humans are selfish. That is what I am. I find that to be increasingly true as time goes on.

I know there’s nothing I could have done but I’m not a healthy human. I’m defective. I would have died a long time ago without the technology to diagnose and care for diabetes today. It’s not death that I fear; it’s the pain that comes along with it.

I don’t ever want my children to feel this way. I do want children but I don’t want to give birth to them. I don’t want them to have my genes. I don’t want to pass this on whether it skips a generation or not. My sister eagerly waits for the day I find someone and give her a niece/nephew to spoil… but I don’t know if I’m going to. I have fears of doing shots while a baby is kicking inside me… of the needle slipping. I have fears that what I’m doing now will ‘cause horrible complications in the birth. I have fears about what I’m doing now causing my child to end up motherless. I am afraid of someday feeling like I want to give them up because they stress me out. I am afraid of seeing them as a burden rather than a gift. I don't think I deserve to have children. It's like they say, if you can't take care of yourself, then you shouldn't try to take care of others.

Sorry that was kind of disjointed... heh.

One thing that really bugs me is these diabetes commercials that are playing right now. There is MORE than one type of diabetes and you NEED to differentiate! I have had people come up and tell me I should try such and such pill because they saw a commercial for it! When they say diabetes in those commercials, they mean Type II. That is NOT what I have. I have Type I. Let's go over the differences, shall we?

Diabetes Mellitus --

Type I (Juvenile Diabetes): The insulin producing beta cells in the person's pancreas are destroyed which means the body doesn't produce insulin. It often starts in childhood. Type I's HAVE to take insulin shots to survive and the condition is neither preventable nor reversible.  

Type II: The insulin is produced but is either not enough or not absorbed properly by cells. Most Type 2's are overweight or unfit. This type tends to occur later in life. This is both preventable with good diet and exercise as well as reversible upon use of diet, exercise and sometimes pills. Most Type 2's don't have to do insulin shots.

For the record, there is also Gestational Diabetes, which occurs in pregnant women, and several other types.

According to the 2007 National Diabetes Fact Sheet:

• 5-10% of all diabetics have Type 1
• 90-95% of all diabetics have Type 2
• In the United States, 23.6 million people or 7.8% of the population have diabetes
• Diabetes was the 7th leading cause of death in 2006
• In adults of both types, 14% take insulin only,13% take insulin and oral medication, 57% take only oral medication & 16% take neither

So when you see those commercials for pills for diabetics, please note - I can't use those. My pancreas is a giant chunk of fail sandwich.

Tried a guava yesterday. Smelled amazing but the texture was weird. The taste was okay but the aftertaste was better. I'm glad I bought a mango too. I love mangos! It's not exactly something to try new... but it's tasty! I also managed to make an actual dinner of corn and chicken. Then I had a leaf or two of the lettuce head in the fridge that someone left there from Tom making tacos. It was VERY satisfying.

I think my topic for today will be low blood sugars. I could do a whole series of posts on this so I’ll probably talk about this again.

A normal diabetic’s blood glucose level is supposed to be between 80 and 120. Anything under 80 is considered a low. There is any number of different symptoms. Mine usually include:

- Feeling weak
- Shaking
- Headaches
If it was severe, I would lose control of my limbs, usually my legs first.

One day I was walking with my mom to mail a letter while at my grandma’s in Detroit when I started to feel weak. By that point I was already very lax in my control so I didn’t think it was a low. I hadn’t had a low in a LONG time, so I ignored it and kept walking. It was only about 5 blocks to the mail box but about half a block from it, my knees started to lock up when I took a step. And then I just collapsed on someone’s lawn. It was really embarrassing having to sit there while my mom ran back to grandma’s for some juice. (A juice box has enough sugar to bring my blood sugar back up to normal and it works the fastest.)  I’ve had a few incidents like that but nothing like what I’ve seen in other people.

At diabetic camp, Camp Midicha (which I think I’ll write about sometime) there was this one girl who had a seizure every time she had a slight low. It was terrifying. There was one time the camp counselors let us walk around the town we were in, as long as we met them later, and this girl had a seizure in the middle of the park. It was the really scary looking kind where the whole body spasms. We were like… 13 years old so we were freaking out. We had NO idea what to do since none of us had ever had them. All we could do was go get help.  I’m really glad I don’t have symptoms like that.

There are two times I can remember having REALLY horribly low blood sugar. One incident I didn’t actually feel low at all. I did a blood glucose test and it said I was 20. I had NEVER been below a 60 at that time, though I’d have a few 30s later on. Nothing really happened. I just thought it was amazing that I still felt okay.

Which brings me to the other event… I look back and consider myself REALLY lucky. This could have turned out so much worse.  I was young but I don’t remember exactly how old. It was before sixth grade because I was still hanging out with Dana… I was probably 9 or 10 years old. Heidi, Dana and I had this fort in the woods we were working on. We had found this clearing in the middle of a TON of shrubs. We were cleaning that out of leaves and weaving the branches together into a sort of a roof. We were bringing stuff to sit on and toys to play with there. So one day, Dana and I were playing there. I start feeling weak but I’m having fun playing, you know? So I ignore it. Next thing I know I’m on the ground and I can’t move. Dana gives me a juice box, which back then I carried with me at all times. I don’t remember what happens for a while. I just remember waking up, Dana not being there, and me deciding I had to get home. I remember it seeming to take a LOT of effort, like I had to pull my legs out of wet cement as I was walking. It took forever. My mom told me later that I had rung the doorbell and passed out at the door.  Dana had apparently run to her house to get help. On the one hand, she probably saved my life with that juice box… but on the other, she left me alone in the woods like that. Still, I’m really glad she was there with me. I have gone out there alone before. Anyway, I’m not sure if my mom had to use the glucagon kit or not. I’m fairly certain she didn’t. I didn’t go to the hospital after passing out, that I can remember, so I must have been okay pretty fast. That's the only time I remember having blacked out because of diabetes.

Let me tell you, recovering from a low is no fun thing. All the other symptoms go away but then I always got freezing cold from the inside so that nothing would warm me up. It didn’t feel good. I would almost prefer to stay low. *shrug*

Not sure what to talk about today. Trying to avoid the deep, dark, depressing, scary stuff for a while longer. 

Managed to eat some fresh produce type stuff lately. I SERIOUSLY need to go grocery shopping.

Have also been remembering to do insulin for breakfast, even though it's usually an hour or so after I eat.   At least I'm doing it, right?

Okay, here's a topic. I hate water, right? Most tap water takes like rust and other stale metals. Most bottled water tastes like salt and weird minerals. They don't taste GOOD and they leave me thirsty still. I like water from a Brita filter okay. I still don't drink it very often. I have once had water straight off Mount Rainier that tasted so clean, cold and pure that I think I was ruined for the rest of my life. haha. So instead I drink pop. Diet pop, of course.

One thing I don't get is these ZERO pops. Sprite Zero is good. It still tastes like the Diet Sprite from before. Coke Zero does not... which I guess is why there's still a Diet Coke. But i guess there are differences between the two, according to this link here. At first I thought they were the same thing. *Shrug* I'm so glad they aren't trying to mess with Diet Coke and Lime. That's my favorite pop! Too sad. I like pops like Fresca that are Diet but don't say Diet. It makes me feel like I don't have diabetic limitations just that much more.

Splenda is another annoyance. It may make Diet pop taste better to people who are used to sugar pop, but it tastes awful to me. I really hate Splenda. (For the record, there are two different links for Splenda. The first is the official site. The second is a site called The Truth About Splenda that talks about the dangers of it.) Honestly, I like Sweet and Low the best in taste. It's probably one of the worst for me since it's  basically made of tar, but it tastes like sugar.  Equal is okay but it tastes chemically. It's still better than Splenda. Equal is a sponsor of the American Diabetes Association so I guess I should use that? Or something. Blah marketing. I know there are others out there but I haven't tried most of them. They just don't seem to do the trick.

Speaking of the ADA, here is a Facts and Myths about Diabetes page that they have if anyone is interested.

Well, today WAS supposed to be about cholesterol because I was supposed to have started some medication to lower it. *rolls eyes* However, new jerkface of a doctor, who I am liking less and less, who said he would call in the prescription DAYS ago....  STILL has not done so. So I can't tell you the name of it, how I feel while taking it, or any of that stuff I wanted to say. It's supposed to have a side effect of achy muscles. I'm supposed to take it because cholesterol is a bigger deal for diabetics. Dr. Jerkface said they treat diabetics like they already have had a heartattack because they are at a higher risk for it. Dr. Wood tried to put me on Lipitor a few years ago but my mom threw a hissy fit (not that I blame her after reading the side effects of that one.) Dr. Wood also said my cholesterol was "only a little high" while my current doctor says that I should have been on this medication all along because I was almost 200% over what a normal diabetic should be.
I know this is an education and opinion thing, but why is one standard good enough for one doctor and not good enough for the other? Why was my cholesterol level "a little high" to one and "WAAAAY to high" to the other?

Thus, my theme today is the medical staff.

It's probably pretty easy to tell that I don't trust my doctors. Okay, not all of them. I love my dentist (I laugh everytime I go) and my eye doctor. I may hate going to the gyno but she's straight with me and doesn't jerk me around. The family doctor I had as a child was great too. But I stopped trusting Dr. Wood after he stopped having new things to tell me and after that first five years went by when there was supposed to have been a cure. Note to doctors: Don't tell your patients that there WILL be a cure if there WON'T be. False hope only works for so long. I don't trust this new doctor any more than I would a babboon with a harpoon gun. I don't like the way he looks down on me. I don't like how he said he was going to call in the prescription and then didn't. I don't like that he automatically decided I was trying to con him out of money or something. I don't like how he, when I told him who my previous doctor was, bad mouthed Dr. Wood and told me most of the guys patients weren't up to snuff. No matter how true the statements might have been, he shouldn't be critisizing his medical peers to his PATIENTS. If he has a problem with Dr. Wood, who I would have liked if he hadn't been my doctor,  then he should bring it up with Dr. Wood or some medical board or something. Now, Dr. Wood had a talent of making me cry nearly everytime I saw him, but he really was a nice guy. I got totally miffed when Dr. Jerkface started saying those things. Seriously thinking about finding a new, new doctor. The only thing keeping me from doing so right now is my stubborn streak. I had to sign that paper? Well, then your are gonna have to deal with me jerkface! You know, something like that.

When I was first diagnosed in 1993, they had me stay in the hospital for a week. (I almost had to miss Thanksgiving. We were still doing it back then.) Beware of nurses doing finger pokes. Oh my bob, did they hurt.  The nurses back then would take the lancet and just stab it into your finger! No warning. No prep. No care for the tiny 8 year old fingers they were stabbing. That first week, that's what scared me the most. I thought every finger poke I'd have to do for the rest of my life would be like that. Then I figured out that they weren't. The nurses could have used these little devices that make it quick and nearly painless. Instead, they stabbed me. I'm still a little bitter. haha.

OH YEAH! Here's one more thing I'd like to rant about. The past 2 times I've been to the dentist, they have told me my tonsils were HUGE. So the past 3 times I've seen a doctor, from Dr. Wood to Dr. Wright to Dr. Jerkface, I've asked them to check it out. They agree they will and then we get to the end of the of the appointment and just kind of scoot out. The first two times I tried to mention it near the end but the Wood seemed to ignore me and Wright was out of the room faster than I could talk. Guess he had other people to see. I didn't even bother to bring it up again with Jerkface. Like I wanted him to be touching my neck and sticking swabby things down my throat? ha. Do they brush it off because they think I'm stupid and just, I don't know, looking for things to be wrong with me? 'cause that's kind of how it feels.

Yeah. This entry was mostly just a rant. Better things to come, I'm sure.

My food goal for the day has been reached. I went to the store and bought a starfruit, which I have to admit, I've been wanting to try for a long time. I had to look up how to eat them . heh. It tastes a bit like an apple pear. Interesting. I ALSO bought some chickpeas and even though it takes 2 hours to cook them (I hate getting the canned ones) I am looking forward to eating them. I LOVE chickpeas. I got some Vinaigrette, one of the very few condiments I use, to put on them when they are done cooking.  Another thing I got was a BIG bag of apple cinnamon granola to snack on. Hopefully that will help me cut down on eating candy and chips so much. Sure as hell not going to STOP eating them though. Too good.

Tomorrow's Entry: Cholesterol!

I have several topics I want to write about sometime, but I think I will work up to them. I just want to remind myself here:

- My Parents, specifically my dad.
- Third Grade/Other Kid's Reactions to me Becoming Diabetic
- Stem Cells/ Chili's/ Cure
- The incident in the woods/ passing out from low blood sugar
- Cholesterol
- Fears about Having Children

Today I want to talk about food. Most diabetics have talked to a dietician and are given a personalized diet. Those who take shots have a stricter diet than people on the pump but either way we are supposed to count our carbohydrates, convert that into units of insulin, and not go over our recommended calorie intake.

All of that, it seems to me, is just a pain in the ass. I want to eat what I want to eat whenever I get hungry. And I eat a LOT. I eat all day long. I have breakfast around 8, snack until 12 when I have lunch, snack until 4 or 5 when I eat dinner, and then snack until bed. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm asleep. If you ask my friends what is in my purse, they will probably say wallet, cell phone, food and a pop. haha.

I count carbs automatically ONLY because I've been doing it so long... I think if I had gotten diabetes this year and had to do that, I'd have a harder time. I don't think my parents or I have ever, even once, cared about going over my calorie intake...

One reason I like the pump so much is because it allows me to eat as I please. With syringe shots, you aren't getting a constant stream of insulin all day so you have to do a shot EVERY time you eat. And then you have to be careful because sometimes that shot reacts with the shot you had before and it does crazy things with your bloodsugar. I am hungry all the time. I can NOT live that way. The pump is a bit like having a pancreas that works. I can snack! I mean I would snack on the other insulin plan anyway, but I can snack without feeling sick at the end of it. (Nausea is usually my "I have high blood sugar" symptom.)

And that bring me to this hunger thing. I snack and I snack, right? Part of diabetes, at least for me, has to do with always being hungry. I've read that this is due to the hormone imbalance that is diabetes. Or something.  I still have yet to figure out why I never seem to gain any weight. Yes, I realize that having out of control blood sugars will keep me from absorbing sugar and thus from gaining weight,  but even when I WAS in control, I was skinny no matter how much I ate and no matter how little I exercised. I have been the same weight (with the obvious 2-3 pound difference that comes with things like water weight) for as long as I can remember. I have a theory that its because I eat the way I do, my metabolism is high. I have read that eating 5 small meals a day instead of 3 medium to large sized meals will help you lose weight.

More on food, I am a persnickity sort of person. There are a LOT of foods I don't like. I dislike any foods that taste too acidic to me, such as spinich, certain types of lettuce, tomatoes, etc. Basically, that includes a lot of vegetables. I dislike a lot of food with weird textures such as strawberries, stews made from gravy, and cottage cheese. I dislike a lot of foods that smell bad like bananas and burritos. Everyone has some food they dislike, but I have to admit mine make it harder to eat healthy, not that I've ever really tried.

My goals for this week:
- To eat something healthy at least once a day that I either haven't had before or haven't bothered to make because it takes time/effort.
- To do insulin for breakfast.

I'm hoping that having a watchful eye on me while I'm attempting this will prod me into actually doing them.

And because I did not mention this before, please click on the hyperlinks in my posts if the topic is something you might want to learn more about.

Welcome.My name is Chelsea. I'm 24. I'm diabetic.I have decided to create a new journal today. I need a place to put my feelings about this. It's getting to be too much.

I've had juvenile diabetes (type I) for 16 years this Novemeber. That scares the shit out of me. For most of that time, I have had to hear the words "they'll have a cure in about 5 years" from doctors and the news... It never came. I feel like it never will. I have lost hope that there ever will be a cure.

I have used syringes, pens, and other horrible devices for my insulin but I'm currently on the pump. The pump is a marvelous device. I think I would have been in trouble many, many years ago without it. And today, I almost had to give it up. That story comes later.

For the past five years, I have been waning in the use of my bloodtest equipment until I stopped altogether. Now, slowly,  the amount of insulin I give myself is dwindling. My A1C is almost 14. I know how bad that is. I know all the risks... but I am HAPPIER this way. I feel fine. I don't have to think about my diabetes except once every four days when i reinfuse. I don't feel hopeless again until I go see the doctor.

Which bring me to the event that triggered the necessity of this blog. Recently, I have stopped seeing the doctor I had been seeing for my diabetes, Dr. Wood. He told me he could do nothing for me and that I may as well just see my family doctor. It would save me an hour drive. So that's what i did. Except that my family doctor was leaving. So today, I had an appointment to meet my new family doctor, Dr. Vanderhill. We talked and the only way he would agree to be my doctor was if I signed a release form that states that I know all the stuff that could go wrong with my poor care and that I still refuse to switch back to syringes or drive an hour away to see someone who specializes in diabetics. I basically signed a form that said my family can't sue him if I die.  Because it was a legal form, he had to have witnesses, so he brought in two nurses. He read through the agreement outloud and one nurse's jaw just... dropped. She looked horrified. I hate how doctors and nurses make me feel. If it were possible to fail at life, I feel like these people would tell me that I am. Doesn't the fact that I'm happy mean anything? This IS my life. This IS how I want to be right now. What other options do I have? I was depressed through middle school and most of high school and I think it's because i was being beaten down by my diabetes. As soon as I gave myself some freedom,  I was happier.

Anyway, before I left Dr. Woods, I had to talk to a social worker. We talked for a long time. I guess she could tell I wasn't depressed, thank bob someone could tell, but she said that what was happening with me was very common and called diabetic burnout.

What's the point of trudging through all this diabetic shit? Even a war general who has his army holed up in a castle knows he can't keep it up day after day, on and on, forever. At some point, he will fall. Diabetes feels like that to me. Do I surrender now? Or fight what seems to be a useless battle?

Obviously, having diabetes has shaped the decisions I've made in the past. I'm happy right now, but I have in the past had these kinds of thoughts:
- I can't date him. I'm just going to die of this diabetes thing soon. I shouldn't get involved and hurt another person.
- I can't have kids. Can't even take care of myself.
- What's the point of going to school? This is kind of a waste of money when I may not live to use it.

Many times I've decided its time to try and get myself out of this rut. I just can't see the point to it. I'm not trying to hurt my loved ones. I know how much it sucks to watch people suffer... but I CAN'T make myself do it. I just can't seem to get in the frame of mind to take care of this. I just don't care enough. I don't know what my options are. I don't know who I could talk to who could help me see it as a worthwhile this to do.

I feel like I may lose it all soon.
Because I may lose my pump, which I credit with keeping me sane so far.
Because the insurance company won't pay if I'm not in control.
Because my doctor doesn't want to BE my doctor.
Because I have no hope to ever be rid of this.

Anyway, this blog is for my feelings, my updates, my worries. It is my sad little attempt to make myself feel better and motivate myself to do something. I am hoping to wean myself back into routine.